She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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