you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
