I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
