My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
