I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
