Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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