good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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