I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
