I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
