You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
