She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
