my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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