I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
