The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Even my vagina gasped.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
