3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
