You just made me feel so damn special
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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