I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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