dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
