Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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