u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
