I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
