I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
