is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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