Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just cropdusted the office
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
