I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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