He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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