dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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