when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
