Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
