google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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