i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
