this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
