Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
