fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
