Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
