Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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