just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
This house was built for laser tag.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
