I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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