we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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