Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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