i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
