tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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