my phone needs a breathalizer
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I look better un-naked...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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