Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
