you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
