Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
