On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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