I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
