I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
