Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
